Expectations/ Rationalizations

   In the first couple of months of the Learn-to-Run clinic I recently completed, the process involved starting with a combination of walking and running in timed intervals for a certain number of repetitions.
   Gradually, the ratio of running to walking increased so that, by the end, we were running for twenty minutes and walking for a minute about halfway. C0-incidentally, this had us running approximately 3K. This then took us all to our target race, the Gobbler Gallop 3K, here in London, which we all completed successfully.
   At this point the clinic was finished. In the meantime I have continued to run on my own and, at this point, am signed up for a 5K race on New Year's Eve.
   In any training run I have done, there have been scheduled and timed walking breaks. I had been wondering to myself, though, whether or not I might be able to run an entire 3K without stopping. I had a certain amount of trepidation around actually attempting this. I had had similar trepidation around every running increase during the clinic--I simply did not look forward to them and secretly wondered how well I'd be able to handle them.
   Putting my fears aside one evening, I set out to run a 3K without stopping.
   Piece of cake. I had no problem whatsoever completing the distance all in one go and had enough energy left at the end that I actually contemplated turning it into a 4K. That, however, would have been something.....well....new. And I don't handle new very well, so I didn't.
   This seemed like a major turning point to me, a sign of real progress. Two days later, at my next run, I attempted to do the same thing again.

   Didn't even come close. I had to stop at least three times and walk. I was gasping for air and couldn't understand what was going on.
   I wasn't happy but , at the same time, I realized what had happened.
   On the basis of one successful training run, my expectations had totally changed. My new expectation was that I had mastered the 3K distance and would no longer require breaks, simple as that.
   Any experienced runner would likely have told me just how unrealistic an expectation this was, given the fluidity of the human body and all the variables involved. The fact of the matter was that I had been out in the fresh air, running, and that this was a good thing.
   So I think I now have an altered and slightly more realistic idea of what my expectations actually are or should be and how to use them.
   What still continues to bother me about that "unsuccessful" run are the lengths I went to in my head to allow myself permission to stop running. Stopping was the last thing I intellectually felt like doing and I ended up going through a wide range of "reasons" why stopping and walking should be the thing to do.

   The cold air was hard to breathe. I was risking injury. There was not enough recovery time from ball hockey the night before. My heart felt like it was labouring and why risk a heart attack on a dark and lonely side street. Nobody will know. Learn-to-Run says planned walks are good.
   There I was, giving myself all these reasons to stop running in a desperate search for the permission to do so. I was, of course, rationalizing.
   I knew at the time that I was rationalizing because there didn't seem to be one compelling reason above all the others to stop. I was simply tired and, at the same time, wrestling with some altered expectations. Perfect storm conditions for rationalization. What made it harder was that I was by myself and free to rationalize in my solitude. I didn't have a group of running partners who, when they realized I had stopped, would turn around and say what the hell are you doing?

   In everyday living, I rationalize like hell (you should see me trying to get out of attending a funeral or giving a speech) and I really don't want this part of me to invade my running life as well. Of course, I have heard that running is a metaphor for living, so maybe I am stuck dealing with rationalizations in this part of my world.
   At any rate, my next training run went fine, did the whole 3K without stopping. I have this theory that perhaps my failed effort that one particular evening was more due to poor planning and not spacing my athletic activities out properly than anything else. I will try and keep an eye on that.
   There is another training run today. My goal is to run another 3K without stopping and this is what I will set out to do. It will, however, be a goal and not an expectation. I will simply run my best, see what happens, and, regardless of the result, know that it was good!